I'm married to a nice guy but find myself attracted to a woman. What does this mean?
This is yet another wake-up call in your life’s journey. A wake-up call says, "Pay attention; stop; take a deep, hard look at your life." Other wake-up calls may be illness, the birth of your child, graduation, the death of a friend, a geographical move, or the loss of a job.
What’s the point of even thinking about this? I can’t change anything.
Being married and attracted to a woman has things in common with being married and being attracted to a man. Often an attraction of any kind signals that there are things in your current relationship that need attention. Ask yourself what your relationship is missing. Are there trouble spots that you have both been ignoring? If you and your husband start making the needed changes, with or without the help of a therapist, does that eliminate the attraction?
What can I do?
Be honest with yourself. Observe yourself. Ask some hard questions: Who am I? What do want for a quality life? What are my basic values? Am I living my life according to my values?Keep a journal. Talk to a lesbian-friendly therapist. Go to a support group on the topic if there is one in your area. Talk to your husband and friends about you and your values and life journey.
You may need to wade through some misconceptions and homophobia before you can sort through your attraction. Read books about lesbians and about married women coming out (see recommended reading). Go to events or to bookstores and cafes where you can see lesbians and gays and notice your reactions. Talk to friends who are understanding.
What if I can’t talk to my husband about these things?
Everyone needs to be seen and heard by their loved one. If communication is difficult, it is time to work on this together with a therapist. It is important that both of you be willing to learn the skills necessary to be true allies to each other.
What if I already know deep down that my real intimacy needs cannot be met by my husband?
Then you have several choices.
- Don’t change anything and accept that your intimacy needs will not be filled.
- Agree to a marriage of convenience with your husband (because of children and/or legal reasons).
- Try an open marriage where honesty is the operable word. Both of you are free to have other intimate/sexual relationships. This is often called non-monogamy or polyfidelity and is extremely difficult to accomplish happily, but some people do.
- You can have a separation/divorce and spend time with yourself and your inner journey. One aspect of this journey is your exploration of your sexual preference.
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